For my past two months in Germany I have been fed all sorts of claims about how Germans are punctual, orderly people who keep their private lives to themselves. I have been warned that if I act “out of line” I should expect to be corrected by someone. These cultural stereotypes certainly do have some truth to them, but for a nation that has been pegged as being structured and rigid, I have observed quite the opposite. My claim about Germans: They love public displays of affection. Everything from cuddling to kissing to groping in public locations ranging from Airport waiting areas to crowded buses to benches on the river—the Germans love to love.
What happens when you fall in love with a girl?
And she is your best friend?
And you are also a girl?
And you only like boys?
And you really, truly are
convinced you are straight?
What do you do?
What do you identify as?
Who do you tell?
These questions are among many that I asked myself a few years ago when I realized that I no longer had purely platonic feelings for my best (girl) friend. They are questions that are not unique to my situation. Many women struggle with them as they try to figure out how their sexuality decided to turn its back on its owner, to turn from solid to liquid to gas, to seek out something new.
In Grief, Resilience, and My 66th Birthday Gift, a short story in the book Best Sex Writing 2012—The State of Today’s Sexual Culture, Joan Price talks about losing her husband and the pain and time it took to rediscover herself as a sexual being. Price spent her life writing about sex; she had a multiplicity of experiences and partners; she married her husband Robert in her late fifties, wrote a book about sex for the elderly, and practiced it frequently. She was familiar and comfortable with sex in a way that many of us either strive to be or do not understand. But when Robert died, grief erased sexual desire and she spent over a year denying herself any form of arousal. She was not ready for another partner, much less a relationship, and feeling another man’s touch seemed a betrayal of Robert’s memory as a lover. Eventually Price searched for a service that could provide her with an erotic massage, an experience that would allow her to be reintroduced to her true sexual self. She found Sunyata, a man who would touch her and help her discover that, despite her mounted sadness and attachment to Robert, she still was an independent woman with needs to be pleased.
As we come to care for our partners, to become dedicated to them, they become etched into our beings. We replace bits of ourselves with bits of them. Once in a partnership, both members’ lives become intertwined. A choice made by one, affects both. So naturally, when we lose a partner, whether to death, disturbance or distraction, we lose a part of what has become ourselves. We have forgotten what it is like to focus on ourselves, to make choices that relate solely to us, while not taking into consider another party. Turning your attention to yourself, however, can be what empowers you. What brings you out of your misery and confusion. What reinvigorates your sexual character.
Valentine’s Day. It is another event during which couples have an excuse to dine finely, exchange gifts in place of words, and sex instead of work. Many engagement rings are given, but equally as many hearts are broken. The unattached either celebrate with friends, appreciating that love is not just restricted to pairs of two, or alone, gazing at others sharing this holiday, wondering: when will I get laid? Where do I meet someone? How do I tell him he’s the one? Valentine’s Day is complicated, but don’t let this year’s day become encumbered by clichéd actions and gifts or ruined by sentiments left unshared and feelings of loneliness. Make this year’s Valentine’s Day spontaneous, stress free and sultry. You need not even leave campus.
The characters of Y Tu Mamã También become personal
At the turn of the year I habitually find myself scurrying to find a resolution that, if properly followed, will make me a more wholesome, healthier person. In doing so I end up creating a list of activities and habits I wish to do away with; I decide that the only way to be a better me is if I restrict myself from activities I normally derive pleasure from. Less sugar. Less red meat. Less sitting on my ass.
This year I took a different approach to these lists. I pondered ways in which I, and others with the same goals, can achieve what I want without having to follow the same conventional, boring path. If I want to elevate my heart rate more during the week, who says I need to go to the gym to do so? Unfailingly sex came to my rescue. Who says exercising does not, or cannot happen in the bedroom? Plus, with the winter weather becoming colder and crueler, why schlep to the gym when you can stay in the comfort of your room and still have the company of others. Exercise becomes Sexercise.
As I mentioned in my last post “Lesbihonest: It’s time to acsexsorize!” I am writing this three-part series to offer readers suggestions of how to create a spark within themselves or their relationships. Previously, I shared different toys and foods that can be used as a sexy complement to Friday Fun. This article focuses on how people can make their sex lives more active, healthy, and intriguing. Although sex with one partner naturally has all of these elements, threesomes bring it to a whole different dimension. One more person may not seem significant, but in this case the third person is the charm.